Here is the link

If you could please subscribe because if I get 100 more subscribers I can monetize my channel and make some money on them :) and if you comment on the video it helps push the special to other people.

There is something incredibly rewarding about putting these out again. I think it is because there is not much feedback when they are on Amazon Prime. Also, because I filmed the first one in 2019 and the second one in 2022 and to me…they still hold up.

This is my most joke heavy show I have written and most relatable because we all grew up and went through some sort of adolescent discomfort and trauma. But I would say the coolest part of this show is that it makes me really thankful for a really painful part of my life which is getting bullied in middle school, it really was a really lonely and sad part of my life. Obviously I made it through and I am ok now but a lot of this show feels like a big hug to my younger self. And from the 2 years I spent touring the show, I know it connects to a lot of people who had similar experiences. I think getting bullied gave me a compassion and empathy for people that I would never have otherwise. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK IN THE COMMENTS ON YOUTUBE hahaha. See ya Sunday!

I put out The 30 Year Old Virgin on Youtube last month, just before Thanksgiving. There were 6 people that watched the premiere live with me, it had 89 views for a few days. Then over the holiday weekend the views came pouring in. It sits at 8.5k views right now and 66 comments, 303 likes. Most comments are from strangers that just found it, which is really really encouraging. here are a few!

Appreciate everyone who reads what I write on here, buys tickets to my shows and watches my comedy. I have more specials coming and a new show I am already falling in love with writing.

One last thing…if you want some good music to write to…here is my most listened to artist of last year. Gia Margaret she writes beautiful peaceful instrumental music but also has some albums where she sings. But I listen to Romantic Piano almost every morning, so give her a listen.

Here is a pic of Gia Margaret’s album. A matisse painting. And my friend Cory Cavin.

It is about growing up in a christian home, saving myself for marriage, breaking off my engagement a month before the wedding and being a…drum roll….30 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! And I am still very proud of it after all these years!

Now to the essay…it will be more of a rambling update but that is just my intentional essay style! For this one at least. Because I turned 40 almost a month ago, on Oct 13th and this has been on my to do list since then and then I kept procrastinating. Trying to make a plan and make things perfect and then I realized…that stuff is for my 30’s. My 40’s from here on out is about putting things out there as I go and inviting people to come along.

Let me explain…

I used to have writer’s / performer’s block. I would do Great Times with Cory in the East Village and I had this deep intense desire to not just do jokes but to share a part of my life and heart with people. Then I broke off my engagement just a few months before my wedding and lost my virginity to a stranger at age 30. I didn’t talk about this on stage. I waited about a year. And in the meantime I did a program called The Artist’s Way that helps artists unblock themselves. Soon after I finished the book / program, I submitted to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I named the show The 30 Year Old Virgin so I would not back out of telling this personal story.

I think having my first special have my age in the name made me more acutely aware of my age and this next ‘era’ of my life.

Since I started performing my first solo show The 30 Year Old Virgin I am happy to report, I have not had a single ounce of writer’s block. I am literally teaming with ideas and projects and inspiration almost every day. This is not meant to be a brag. I honestly think anyone who does The Artist’s Way program will have the same or a similar experience with realizing that with some practice and keeping your antennas up your ideas and ability to make stuff is truly limitless.

But I have a new problem I am going to aim to fix, which is now…I make stuff and then I move onto the next project without properly putting out the work I made. So this year is about that. This is very hard for me because sometimes instead of uploading a clip of stand up I did in 2017 that is on a hard drive, I like to sit and scroll instagram and then vacuum my apartment and then get on Zillow to look at how much houses upstate cost and then go to the grocery store to buy an apple and by then it’s time to go over to my favorite bar to have a beer and listen to music and chat with friends.

So….I just want to make a little list here of things I am going to be working on for the next 12 months and I will do everything in my power to not get discouraged or distracted from this mission until it is done! And if you want to ask me about any of these projects please do, I will update you along the way.

• put my full specials The 30 Year Old Virgin, Diary of a Bald Kid, Fool Proof and After Endgame on Youtube. SMASH THAT Subscribe here!

• make 10-15 reels / tik toks and YouTube clips from each special

• Do the same with all my old stand up stories and clips that are sitting on a hard drive.

• finish the script for the After Endgame series I have been working on. This one is proving to be really hard because I don’t get that rush of performing or telling a story. It’s difficult laptop work and discouraging because I feel like it will be great, then I get really down at how much I suck. But it’s just that writing a script is something new and new things are hard.

• Write a new 60 minute stand up storytelling show about faith, religion and my relationship with my Uncle John. I want to work on this show in a new way, I don’t know what that means. I just know that I have to keep working on new stuff, not just posting old stuff and working on a script for a story I already told on stage 90 times.

• Finish my Wild Card doc series, 2 more eps. And then a special for how things went in Scotland. It was such a fun interesting project and I got so much out of it. But now the sitting and editing is necessary and that can be as difficult as writing!

• Wild Card LIVE! I think I want to do some Wild Card shows with other comedians and film them and put them out on Youtube. BUT…that is a big project and I have a lot of stuff to also work on. So maybe I will do ONE in January and see how it goes.

• I have this deep nagging desire to wake up everyday at sunrise. Maybe it is just the desire to keep doing things that are hard. I have always thought I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. But I feel more and more of a desire to wake up and enjoy my mornings. I am drawn to extremes so I am like I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 5am for now on! But…I think this waking up early is also part of what I might need to do to accomplish all this stuff.

• I think I also want to make little videos explaining how I made all my specials, so when they come out on YouTube I can show a little bit about the development process. They are comedy specials but in a way I think of them as theater shows or plays that I developed in unique ways and then capture the final version.

• I also have an idea for a play about Thomas Kinkade, the painter. I haven’t written it yet but I think I want to. Maybe I will write it and then do a reading.

• I also want to write more on this Substack about storytelling and comedy and producing work. I know there are a lot of resources to teach people and to talk about creative process etc. But I think there could be some beneficial things to write about. I think I will just keep writing on here. Consistently, like maybe every Wednesday? hm…maybe this is more of a THURSDAY type of habit. Na, def feels like a Wednesday thing. I will just show up and write and see what comes out. And if you want good writing advice go read Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott and The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

So….that is it…ask me anything about all this and if you don’t see me posting for 2 weeks please message me here or on instagram or email me why I am not doing it. Because I have things I want to accomplish and things to put out into the world for people to see. And I have no problem writing them, performing them, even filming them but then publishing them can get difficult!

I said this is a plan for the next decade but it’s really not, it’s just some things I want to do for now and I wanted to type them out and share them with you instead of ruminating them in my head alone.

Love you all, see you at Great Times with Cory and Kevin Nov 17 at Soho Playhouse.

TICKETS

I am working really hard to document the process as thoroughly and entertainingly as I can. Editing is a ton of work so I will try to keep up with it. No! I won’t try! I will! Because that is what is making this process interesting and new and alive, in contrast to my other shows where all the development is in my head. The more I share as I make it, the more it affects what this show becomes. Enjoy! Leave a comment! Tell a friend! Bye!

1. July 17th (tonight) 19th (Saturday), 23rd+24th (Wed, Thurs) at 9pm I will be performing Wild Card. It will be a totally different show each night and you…the audience will help me make this show, so come be a part of it!

TICKETS HERE

2. The other show is Graham Kay’s Pete & Me…it is the first show I have ever produced that is not my own. He is on every night at 7pm through August 3rd. The show is about his relationship with his autistic brother Pete and it is right now the number 1 reviewed show off broadway in all of NYC…check this out…HAMILTON alongside PETE & ME. AMAZING!

   TICKETS TO PETE & ME

   

And I will be performing Wild Card at Soho Playhouse July 17, 19, 23, 24 TICKETS

Also…I am producing Graham Kay’s amazing solo show Pete & Me at the Soho Playhouse TONIGHT July 9-August 3rd. His show is about his relationship with his autistic brother Pete and it’s so funny and so touching. Graham is an accomplished comedian, a regular at the Comedy Cellar and opens for Nate Bargatze. A perfect mix of jokes and a beautiful personal story. COME CHECK IT OUT

TICKETS and since ya’ll are so beautiful and cool….use the discount code ‘peterparker’

TICKETS

If not…that is fine. I am going to be documenting the entire experience here on Substack with essays, videos, audio…I don’t know, really anyway I can show people the process of writing a solo show I am going to do it.

I am actually really really excited (scared in a good way) because I have never done something like this and it feels like maybe a horrible idea or a brilliant one. But to be honest, I am just excited to document it for you and the more interaction I get from you readers, listeners, the more I will know what direction to take all this documentation and show!

Appreciate you all! Thank you! Let me know what you think!

Kevin

I am unsure of what the OR ELSE would be. I think the OR ELSE is I would be very disappointed in myself. But I have started to reframe some of this thinking…I would be letting YOU down. Because I have things to share with you, thoughts and feelings and stories and jokes and insights into the world and if I don’t put them out I am doing a disservice to YOU.

This week was a bit of an emotional roller coaster after a peek at my bank account and looking at my calendar for the next few months. Basically I have decided to once again go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with a new show, that is yet to be written called WILD CARD and I am still transitioning mentally, emotionally and financially from the past year of working on After Endgame. And in the midst of this financially precarious situation I am putting myself in…I bought tickets to see Nick Cave in Philadelphia tonight. I had just seen Nick Cave and the bartender at Barbes was upset he missed him in Brooklyn, so now I am driving to Philly to see him again. And this is a great excuse to put the pictures my good friend Jeremy Stanley took at the concert in Brooklyn. I mean….look at those? I had to spend $150 and get to Philly for a little more of that.

My show Wild Card is billed as an improvised storytelling show, so I will have a deck of cards with a ton of different jokes and stories and ideas on it, then the audience will decide where the show goes next. This is just an idea I had that will cover up for the fact that I have no idea what I am doing or going to do for this show. But sounds fun to me. Having said that…

do you have any questions you can ask me that would help get my brain start to storm with ideas? Please, ask me questions.

What would you be interested to hear from me?

My first show was about breaking off my engagement and losing my virginity at age 30.

My second show was about getting bullied in middle school, going bald at 16 and coming of age.

My third show was about moving to New York to be an actor and suing my landlord for a broken door to my apartment.

My fourth show was about loaning a girl I met on Hinge $15,000 for a green card and learning to ride a motorcycle.

My fifth show was about flying to Singapore to teach chess to billionaires.

What should my sixth show be about? We don’t need any grand themes yet, let’s just get the ball rolling on some fun things to talk about?

OK…I am going to go do my push ups and then head to Philadelphia to be blessed by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Oh…I bought these blank cards. So any questions you write to me…I will write them onto these cards and then they can be in the show? That’s fun right? Maybe? OK bye.

This story came about when I got an email from the RISK! podcast (which is an incredible long running live storytelling podcast) about submissions for stories. I thought, damn, I wish I had a story for them! I have just been writing and performing one of the craziest stories of my life about flying around the world teaching chess, it’s going to take some life experience before I just GET another story like that. Then I read the prompts ‘Gods - Differing Perspectives / Collapse’ and a story came to mind about my friendship with my Uncle John.

When I read Gods, Differing Perspectives and Collapse I was like…oh I have a story about that.

1. I believe in God and I have personal relationship with him. And at times it’s contentious. And I think a lot of my perceptions of God are shaped by some really bad ideas and experiences growing up.

2. And collapse - half of my family doesn’t talk to the other half of my family for over 30 years now and everyone involved are Christian’s that go to church and close their eyes and sing songs about Jesus. And it was confusing growing up. And as I have grown older it makes me more and more angry. Especially as members of my family started dying off.

3. When I get angry or annoyed or upset, that tends to mean there is some story or idea I want / need to work out in my brain.

Then I thought, well, this story probably isn’t right for the RISK podcast and I was well deserving of a little break because I just finished a long year or touring and shows. Then I remembered a coffee I had with Uncle John in Los Angeles and the movies we would go see and the conversations at a diner after and I remember holding his hand in a hospital bed when he had cancer and then jetting off to go film a comedy special. And I felt scared to write the story, scared to tell it and certainly scared to submit it.

I jotted down some notes and laid on my belly on my bed and rambled through what might be there and what you hear is what came out. I wasn’t planning on singing but at the time that is what came to my head so it did it. And then I realized it was Good Friday and maybe it’s a good day to share whatever it is with you.

If you connect with this story at all or have any questions about it…please text me, DM me or leave a comment. I would love to keep developing this story if it resonates beyond the personal into other peoples experiences. OR…if it is just a voice note about my amazing friend Uncle John who I loved very much that is fine too.

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Hi there reader…I had on my to do list for Monday and now Tuesday to write the best update and mission statement of all time and cover what I have been up to the past few months and what my plan is the next few months…but I think this will now resemble more of a blog post / journal entry than a beautifully crafted essay. And therein lies the rub I have been dealing with ever since I started doing comedy and writing in 2010. I only ever want to share the stuff that is really really really GREAT and CRAFTED and HONED. And to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that but it has lead me to an interesting crossroads, basically, I don’t have that many people to share those well crafted honed things with, because I have not really spent a ton of time cultivating an audience the way a lot of modern comedians do, through podcasts, Tik Tok or Instagram or Youtube.

It is not like I am sitting around doing nothing, I have 5 full complete comedy specials. I have been to Edinburgh Fringe 3 times. I just finished a year on tour with After Endgame that culminated with an amazing sold out off broadway run. I am out there doing stuff. But then it comes time to work on an instagram reel and my heart sinks and I get down because it’s not what I thought I signed up for. The one thing that I have always loved is writing here on Substack and the messages and comments I get when I publish something, so I am going to be writing here a lot more.

But this was the realization I had a few days ago, after I finished my most recent show. Part of the reason I have been avoidant to share things on the internet is out of fear. For years I have made excuses like ‘oh my comedic style is not good in short form clips’ and then I just clipped out one of my favorite jokes from The 30 Year Old Virgin and put it up on Tik Tok and Instagram and it did incredibly well, 25,000 views + 600 new followers in a day with a ton of comments, one of them said ‘This is Mike Birbiglia level delivery. Well done. Solid Bit.’

I put out my second comedy special Diary of a Bald Kid, it’s on Amazon Prime, go check it out. And I made a profile for it on Letterboxd an app where people can review films, here is one of the reviews from a user named John

‘1 star. Wonder how much the crowd got paid to have to laugh.’ Well, John ACTUALLY, people paid $15 to attend the special taping they were NOT paid. But I am sure the cameras put a little extra pressure on them to laugh, I will give you that.

But I am no longer scared to put myself out there. I really have not been for a while but I have been busy! (did you see that excuse just leak from my fingers involuntarily).

So I will be writing here on substack a whole bunch and also…I am going to be putting out every single bit of comedy I have ever made between now and October 13th, that is my 40th birthday.

That means every old set (starting from 2010), every old joke, every clip from my specials, it will either be on here, tik tok, instagram, youtube. That is 6 months to put out everything.

So much of it is really great stuff that I am excited to not have sitting on a hard drive anymore and some of it will be something that is ok but that I want to share with the world and I bet sometimes I won’t know which is which! One of the Letterboxd users said ‘He kinda doesn’t have any set up for his jokes he just…say them’ and he gave me a half star, so I don’t think he liked that aspect of my comedy but to be honest I like that review because I have been doing comedy for 15 years and sometimes I don’t like setting up a joke, I like to just say them. Which is the positive side of the way I have handled my comedy trajectory…part of the reason I have not spent a decade working on my instagram, tik tok and youtube followings is because I have been performing all over New York City and the world, hundreds and hundreds of shows. Thousands and thousands of hours. And it’s been so incredibly fun and I think some of the material I have developed has so far exceeded what I ever thought I would be able to write. That doesn’t mean I think I am amazing or a genius, I just think I am better than I ever thought Kevin Doyle would get at comedy. I feel very fortunate to be able to been able to pack out so many shows without Mark Zuckerberg’s assistance and without the watchful eye of the internet changing my perception of myself before I found my voice.

I think a lot of people feel this way about putting ‘content’ out there. It can make you self conscious and scared and lame and it even feels disheartening to even look at some work you crafted and created now be referred to as content. Well, I have felt that way in the past as well, so if you are a writer or a musician or a comedian or filmmaker I would encourage you to not let that hold you back from sharing your work because someone needs to hear or read your work.

So I will have more live shows in the future, which is what I love most and will continue to do forever but in the meantime I will be giving you all a chance to see all my jokes and stories on your phones and computers.

Now…if that was the end of the story and my entire new mission, I would be quite depressed. The reason I feel so thrilled and excited to be on INSTAGRAM AND TIK TOK MORE…is because I am working on a new story, that is not for socials, not for entertainment. It is very close to my heart and expresses some of the deepest fears and anger and confusion I have ever experienced and it may be a story to build a show around or it may just be a 10 minute story for the RISK podcast. That is who I recorded the rough draft for. It is a story about church, God, divorce, reconciliation, disappointment, death and cancer. It’s not a real algorithm buster!

So….my next post after this one…is going to be a few questions for you and context from me and the entire 12 minutes of audio of a story I have never worked on before. I just read it into my voice memos app and you can listen to it and let me know what you think so far.

Here is a pic of me finishing this substack and being excited to write more here:

I am so grateful and overwhelmed that people have been coming out to see After Endgame: A Comedy Show About Chess (I think that added subtitle was smart, because the chess heads have been coming out in droves!)

It has been a goal of mine to do a 4 week off broadway run of a solo show for over a decade and this has far exceeded my expectations.

There are 11 more opportunities to see the show but please do not wait until the final few shows as I am sure they will sell out.

February 27 would be a good day to come because the Drama Desk Awards is sending someone to consider nominating for Outstanding Solo Show.

TICKETS FOR SOHO PLAYHOUSE Feb 25-March 9th

TICKETS FOR MARCH 30 + 31 IN LOS ANGELES

I have spent 15 years grinding doing comedy and emailing and texting people to come to my shows and it can be a fun but lonely ride. I asked Cory Cavin to direct this production and it’s taken it from a good show, to an incredible production. Joshua Hartzler my producer has been an amazing collaborator. The theater has been turned into a chess museum with historical chess artifacts adorning the walls and that would never have happened if this was just a solo show, it’s because of Cory and Josh and I working on it together. And the audiences have been loving the museum, it’s made the show even better!

COME CHECK IT OUT! Bye!

I am doing the show 21 times and if you can come early in the run hopefully I can catch a little wave of momentum. But really if you can come at all I think you will enjoy the show. Cory Cavin, my director and I have been putting together an entire chess museum in the theater. And after the show we can play chess and order drinks at the bar. So make a night out of it, I will teach you everything I know about chess and tell you the wildest tale I have ever lived through. And then we can have a drink and play a game of chess at a theater in Manhattan. That sounds like one amazing night out. Oh and one reviewer said I am a ‘master storyteller’ and gave the show 5 stars when I was in Scotland…and it’s only gotten better since then. So…grab a ticket.

After Endgame: A Comedy Show About Chess Soho Playhouse - 2/11 - 3/8 - 7pm

TICKETS

Kevin James Doyle After Endgame: A Comedy Show About Chess

Can chess be funny? Expert chess teacher and Award Winning comedian Kevin James Doyle says yes. A chess lesson and a life lesson by comedian and storyteller Kevin James Doyle, who has a wealth of experience teaching over 6500 chess lessons. Doyle takes the audience on a journey across the world as he is flown to the vibrant city of Singapore at the behest of a mysterious investor, Doyle found himself imparting chess wisdom to some of the world's wealthiest individuals. The tension rises as Kevin navigates these high-stakes players, both on and off the chessboard. Whether you’re a Grandmaster, a novice, or just finished the Queen’s Gambit. Doyle will teach you about chess, life, and have you laughing the whole time.

'What begins as a comedic chess masterclass morphs into one of the wildest stories at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival' British Comedy Guide

★★★★★A master storyteller'- Eccentric England

★★★★ JAW DROPPING’- Fest Magazine

★★★★ A cautionary tale that enthralls and intrigues’ - The List

Oh ya…here is a picture of Cory and I in Singapore. I wish I could tell you more about what went down while we were there but you will hear about it in the show…

Last time I wrote to you all I was working on After Endgame and preparing to take it to Edinburgh Fringe. Well…I went, I joked and I conquered. The festival and the show went so well, I was thrilled. I got a number of 4 and 5 star reviews that called me a ‘master storyteller’ and the show ‘a jaw dropping story that enthralls and intrigues’ and one that said ‘you’ll leave with a much deeper appreciation for chess than the Queens Gambit will give you.’

The only reason any of these reviews mean anything to me is because they helped get me the opportunity to do this show off broadway which is a real thrill, because seeing a blend of stand up and storytelling off broadway is what got me into this racket 14 years ago. So please tell your friends, buy your tickets and come see me

TICKETS

Chicago Jan 11+12

Columbus Jan 14+15

Denver Jan 19

Los Angeles Jan 26+27

New York City Feb 11-March 8th

—

If you aren’t in any of those cities, well…I am proud to announce my second comedy special Diary of a Bald Kid is out now on Amazon Prime to rent or buy.

It is my most joke heavy show I have written, I did everything I could to write tight short jokes and yet…when I watched the final edit before sending it off to my distributor I was like taken aback by how amidst the all the jokes about various aspects of middle school boys growing up there is a beautiful little relatable story about accepting ones self. For me that was accepting that I am into theater even if that got me called gay, accepting that I am losing my hair at 15 and understanding that everyone has their own stories from adolescence that at the time were so painful and embarrassing and now they are just things to laugh and hopefully connect with other human beings about. The final portion of the show is about a time when I got bullied and I had no friends for about 3 months. To this day they are still the loneliest, saddest time in my life, I would come home from school and cry with my parents on the couch and we would pray that the bullying would stop and that I would be able to make some new friends. This show is like getting to tell that kid that everything is going to be ok. And to be able to tell a story like that alongside stories about when my parents caught me fingering a girl and when I masturbated with a bunch of other guys when we paused the VHS of Titanic on Kate Winslet boobs, well…the Lord works in mysterious ways.

GO WATCH DIARY OF A BALD KID NOW!

Thanks folks! Love ya! Appreciate ya!

Best,
Kevin

I have done less writing here because I have been deep in the throws of my new show After Endgame and guess what? It’s actually getting good! You can see it before I head to Scotland for the festival in 2 weeks here in New York City!

SOHO PLAYHOUSE July 10-13 TICKETS

You can watch this video below to learn more about the show and what not. But also…here are some perks to supporting me! YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT CHESS FROM YOURS TRULY

Any amount you give will get weekly clips and vlogs about development of the show, the venue, the Edinburgh Fringe experience 

$50 - 1 hour Chess Clinic on Zoom or 1 hour Storytelling Clinic on Zoom

$100 - 45 min private zoom chess lesson + Zoom show of After Endgame

$250 or More - 45 min private zoom chess lesson, signed completed script, poster and Thank You in Comedy Special Credits

Thank you so much! I can’t wait for the world to see this show! And YOU in particular!

To contribute to my trip to Edinburgh and get chess lessons click HERE

I must say, I am very eager to get back to this substack. I love writing here and as the show has developed and gotten more locked in I have been excited to explore more essays and writing here, as I find it much more relaxing and meditative than stand up comedy BUT…I just got to finish a few more shows then I can give this it’s proper attention.

Love to you all!

Kevin

PS if you comment it always makes me happy.

At the moment I am sitting at my computer writing and I am thinking about you. That is not a lie, I am thinking about you and how thankful I am that you are reading these words, it really does mean a lot. There is so much out there in the world to read, listen to, watch, that you would spend any time in your day reading what I am writing, well I appreciate it.

I kept a journal at a theater camp I went to when I was in high school and when I have read it to an audience it elicits laughter because well, I am embarrassingly earnest. One passage that I always find very funny is this.

‘Cherish the fact that you’re an artistic person affecting others for good. Not the fact that you’re the lead. Who gives a shit if you have 100 lines or one line if you don't make an impact on a life…it doesn't matter.’

This was just after I had played Kenickie in Grease. Just imagine the lives that were changed after that spectacle!

I have devoted most of my life since 1999 to performing and writing. First acting in plays in middle school and high school and then college. Then I moved to New York where I got my first few professional jobs in a national tour of a children’s musical, then writing an off broadway show, then I began stand up and the past 7 years I have been writing and performing in my own solo shows. It’s been about 25 years since I first performed in You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown and even at the time I knew my life had changed. And today more than ever, as silly as it feels to write it out but it’s in my brain so I will type it out, my goal is to try in whatever small way I can to change someones life. To see the world in a new way, to carve some new tiny little groove into someone’s perception of this life. Now when you see me tell a hackneyed dick joke just know…I am trying to change your life with that!

The problem I have perceived in myself lately, as the crows feet have developed in eyes and the ever increasing expenses of day to day life become a burden, I have grown a bit tired of changing lives one line at a time and become more focused on changing one life, my own. And those preferred changes would be primarily monetary, along with a touch of prestige. A check and an acknowledgment of brilliance will do thank you very much.

Now, making a living is important and so the ‘problem’ I see is not with wanting more people to see my work or appreciate my work. It’s in thinking that will somehow fulfill me in some way. It usually comes when I am not sitting down and writing or performing. It’s in those moments between when I am stressing looking at how much a flights cost to get to a city where I will probably not break even. And here is a dirty little secret about me, my professional rate to perform is somewhere between negative $25 to $150. If I only lose that much and there is a room full of people…I am there. It is not the soundest business model but it’s worked out so far.

I am writing a new show now and I will be taking it to Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. I found an email from 2014 that I sent a few trusted friends when I first heard of The Festival. It reads:

‘I had the idea of doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next August. The upside is that I would have a goal to write an hour show perform it 27 times in 27 days. And learn tons as a performer and writer. Meet amazing people. The scary part...there are literally 3700 shows there. Some people rave about how fun and good it is. Then other people talk about how it was miserable and no one came to their show.

Long story short...I think I could write an hour of killer stand up / stories about a theme. And even have it be touching and poignant.

Each article I read about the festival gets me excited or terrified. And the thought of it being a smart good step artistically is awesome and bold and something I would never regret and then thought of failure makes me want to forget it.’

3 years after that I went with my show The 30 Year Old Virgin and then in 2019 with a new show and now I will be there a third time. And I am only excited. I am not scared. That is why it’s good to go back and remember what it was like when that seed was planted to take a risk and do something scary, to step into the unknown.

In the past 10 years I think I have performed 4 different solo shows over 350 times, in bars, living rooms, theaters and on zoom. They are all a mix of stand up, story

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and I do my best to make them funny, yet touching and poignant.

One of my 14 year old students watched The 30 Year Old Virgin because he googled me and found the special on Amazon Prime. He said ‘Kevin…I watched your comedy special…it made me feel weird because it was funny but it was also um…kind of sad.’ I was like….DUDE! that is what I was going for, touching and poignant! And he said ‘No…just sad. ’OK, well, maybe it’ll make more sense to him in a few years.

Now here I am with a new show, same idea, same format, stand up and stories, hoping they are funny, hoping they are poignant and well…the gig is up…I am trying to change your life. I mean, that is the goal. Sorry it is so lofty and pretentious, that’s just what I have wanted to do for 25 years so I don’t see any reason in hiding it anymore.

I also have never been more thankful for the people who come out to my shows because they are giving me the precious gift of their time and the opportunity to open their ears and minds to the journey I am so excited to take them on. I have performed for 1 person over zoom, 4 people in a backyard in Nashville, 7 people during a rainy afternoon in Scotland at Fringe in a tent with a leak and I remember those shows more clearly than the sold out shows that made me feel cool in the moment. There are a million ways to spend an hour, you can cook soup, you could rewatch The Sopranos or you could stalk your exes on instagram. If you spend it with me, I am truly honored.

I will preface this by saying…this does not mean it will be good…it could be garbage…but with this new show I am about to perform about 50 times over the next 5 months…I am pledging to myself and to be more thankful than I ever have to anyone who shows up. I think I have taken for granted how much of an ask it is to ask for people’s evenings and an hour out of their lives. And with that, I also pledge to do everything I can to try to impact you and make you see the world in a new way and laugh too. I am shooting for the moon here folks but why the hell not? 15 year old Kevin said If I don’t impact a life…it doesn’t matter. I think the worst case scenario is you come see a show that is funny but kind of sad (i.e. poignant and touching).

April 12

New York, NY TICKETS

May 17th + 18th

Pittsburgh, PA ON SALE Soon

June 9th

Columbus, OH TICKETS

June 21

Nashville, TN TICKETS

June 22

Nashville, TN TICKETS

July 10-13th

New York, NY Soho Playhouse TICKETS

August 1-26th

Edinburgh Fringe Festival TICKETS

I was sitting in a cafe in Paris thinking about what to write about. It was January 3rd 2023. What did I have to be upset about, it was the beginning of a New Year and I was sitting in a cafe in Paris thinking about what to write about, I mean come on. What in the world did I have to be upset about. I was upset because my motorcycle had gotten stolen and due to a loop hole, my insurance was not covering the theft. This was stealing the joy and the peace from my otherwise pitch perfect afternoon at Le Cafe Noir. I was furious when my motorcycle was stolen and more angry when GEICO told me they wouldn’t be covering it and now I was seething about it 3 months after the event, grinding my teeth 4000 miles away from the scene of the crime.

I loved that bike. I got it because when we were in Covid lockdown I was bored out of my mind and wanted a challenge and something new to excite me and distract my mind. And now I can’t get my mind off 12UB00. That was my license plate, a number of people asked if it was a vanity plate. Nope. I didn’t name her, the New York Department of Motor Vehicles named her 12 You Boo, not me.

I didn’t want to write about it because the last time I tried to work out my frustration with this situation on stage a therapist from the audience emailed me and said I should consider talking about this motorcycle theft in therapy. I started to write about it, maybe prose was the better outlet for this particular story, it was all about letting go of the things I (we) can’t control and how I (we) react to events when they don’t go our way.

Now here are the 2 reasons why there is a sequel to that post a year ago.

First off, that essay informed the rest of my year, because at the hopeful beginning of 2023 I was like, things won’t go according to plan, that’s alright! You can roll with the punches! Do things differently this year! Hurray!

Sure, everyone thinks that way in January, wait until life starts throwing you curveballs in March, August, November and you are dragging your weary heart across the calendar year December 31st.

The second reason this is getting a sequel, when I wrote that essay, my motorcycle had already been recovered. No, not in a metaphorical or spiritual way, when you let go of things they return to you *harp strum*. In a very literal way, my motorcycle was in the possession of the NYPD and they had been trying to notify me of this since December 12th 2022.

This is what happened. When I flew to Paris I got an international data plan, which means that I can use the internet and WhatsApp and FaceTime audio for calls but my phone number was not in use. So the NYPD had been calling me leaving me voicemails to my phone line saying ‘Kevin, we have recovered your bike. It is here in Brooklyn’ and I was sitting in a cafe huffing and puffing about how my bike got stolen. It is like a masculine romantic comedy about a man and his precious hog trying to reunite.

Just imagine a melancholic me, staring out of the window of a cafe in Paris, now imagine it in Black and White. And now imagine a motorcycle that communicates through its horn and blinking its headlight Herbie The Lovebug style and the New York cop is like ‘Hey boss, not for nothing but…I think this bike is trying to tell me something. I think it’s saying ‘Kevin…where are ya?’

I finally received the voicemail when I landed back in the United States and turned my phone line back on and a voicemail from December 12th that had been stuck in the cellular purgatory was finally delivered to me. I called the number the cop had left for me and nice lady on the other end of the line made it official: my motorcycle had been recovered after the bike got a parking ticket, then the cops ran the plate, the police report popped up, they towed it back to Precinct 95 to be picked up by me on March 1st 2023.

When I arrived at the police station the cop said ‘This is a nice bike. You know this never happens right?’ I told him I suspected it did not happen to often.

Back when I had first filed the police report I asked the cop if there was a chance I would get the bike back and he said ‘Most likely, your bike is upstate being sold for parts already bud.’ Most likely? So you are saying there’s a chance? And in fact there was.

Once I got the bike back I appreciated it in a way that anyone would when you think something is gone forever. I also could not get over how darkly hilarious the irony would be if I got in a motorcycle accident and died. IF ONLY I COULD GET MY MOTORCYCLE BACK, I DID! SPLAT! Be careful what you wish for folks!

I am one to grandly theorize what it all means because that is part of what storytelling is anyway, its piecing together information in a way that starts to make sense. So for this to make sense to me I had to think about what the bike was to me now. What was I so angry about at the cafe in Paris. Was it the money? The feeling of violation of being robbed? The failure of protection and safety from the insurance company? You got your bike back, all has been resolved in the most unexpected of ways. in light of that, what was making you so mad?

My mom says I was fairly young when I first uttered the phrase ‘It’s the principle of the thing!’ It sounds like something I would have heard my grandparents say or my father. It’s so generic it can be applied to really anything. Any injustice, any violation of customs or neglect of the way things should be done. That is what made me so mad…I don’t need to explain anything more than that. IT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING. Something so broad is dangerous it can be applied to any principle and any thing.

I had a lovely final few months with my motorcycle, I went on a couple of long rides. There is equal amounts of meditation and thrill when you are going 75 miles an hour on a wide open empty road. Then I put it up on Facebook Marketplace and it was sold. The irony of crashing on it was too great for me but more importantly I needed the money. I think I learned all I could on the bike. About safety, about risk, about adventure, about letting go when your principles are violated and gratitude when all is restored. All of those memories, stories and lessons were represented in 39 crisp one hundred dollar bills.

I put the $3900 in a new savings account. It is like the first $100 your grandparents put in a savings they opened for you. It is a gift that means a lot more than the mere $100, it’s about the future potential of that account. The savings account is for the expenses of my trip to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this coming August and the new show I will be bringing along with me. It is yet to be written save for a 3 or 4 notebooks from the past year filled with entries and scribbles only legible to me.

I am a bit fixated on money lately because I am in a bit of a work transition but the thought of that $3900 just slowly being chipped away at by groceries and rent until it’s gone doesn’t make me feel good. This machine was fighting to reunite with me across the Atlantic sea for God’s sake. I was staring out of a window filled with melancholy in the City of Love as she tried to make contact and then I wrote of our love and loss and lessons learned, I can’t spend what’s left of her on the electric bill.

I think what I was angry about in Paris when I wrote Part 1 of this essay was the inability to live in that moment and be present. I had worked so hard to make that trip happen and there I was angry about something from the past out of my control. It was ok that I was angry because I was right but I was still angry so who wins? When you hold on to all the violated principles of all the unfortunate things that happen to you, at a certain point you have to consider who you are carrying them for. Writing that essay smoothed all that over and it put all those emotions in their right place by writing an essay called:

How To Ensure 2023 Goes According To Plan.

Well, what the fuck do YOU think happened in 2023? How did yours go? You think my year went according to plan? Does anyones year go according to plan? No, of course not you fucking idiot…also it’s not supposed to. The year will do what it does and live it along the way, as it happens by doing your best, caring about what is truly important and investing in the right things.

But what is truly important and what is truly worth investing in? Well, it’s not material things but when a really meaningful material thing is lost forever only to be returned to you it means something. It Means Something. At least to me it does. And it’s not money but if you get a big stack of it from a guy from Facebook Marketplace you better invest it in something worthwhile.

Thanks for coming back to me 12UB00, I’ll put you to good use.

The music from this episode on audio I found on Spotify discovery. It came up when I was writing and then I listen to it on repeat as I wrote this piece. I hope you enjoy it and check their music out.

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I just finished submitting to Edinburgh Fringe for a new solo show, the festival begins in August which means opening night is approximately 6 months away. The most realistic submission I could write would be…’I am not really sure what this show is about yet…but trust me it’ll be good (I think).’ 

Back in 2017 I submitted for the festival and chose the name of the show before I ever performed and it’s proved to be a productive way for me to work. When I named my first show The 30 Year Old Virgin, I knew once I started working on the show I would have to talk about that. It took 4 months after getting into the festival to do my first preview because I was so scared. My friend Elizabeth invited 20 friends over to her apartment and I got up in the corner of the room with some notes and worked through that first show, when I got to the final story, the one I had been terrified to tell, I asked for a glass of wine and stumbled through the story about when I lost my virginity and the roller coaster that ensued.

This moment for me, at a friend’s apartment, standing in a corner, micless, standard living room lighting, was important for me. At the time it only felt like the beginning of something but it was actually the culmination of something as well, something I had desired for a long time. I wrote this in my journal the year before.

‘I’d like to take some of my stand up and form it into a show with an arch that is funny but has some emotion to it.’

The living room show felt like the beginning because I was preparing the show for a big festival in another country but it was a culmination because the people in that living room got some of my stand up with an arch and some emotion to it and that was the goal.

I have done a number of these shows now, 4 to be exact. I have always named them before working on them, solely out of necessity when I am making a poster or an Eventbrite or submitting for a festival. But it gets me thinking about what I want to talk about and what I think might still be interesting in 6 months or a year. What stories and themes will still carry weight after telling them 10, 15, 72 times. 

That is about how many times I ended up performing The 30 Year Old Virgin.

15 times before Edinburgh 

27 at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

30 times after in various bars, theaters and living rooms across the country. 

The final two times were filmed and edited together for the quote perfect unquote version of the show that was released as an official Comedy Special TM. But I also filmed the very first living room version of the show on my iPhone 6s. In that first performance I finish all the material I had practiced and performed in comedy clubs and at bars and then I get to the final story, the one I was terrified to tell, the story that gave the show it’s name months before. I ask for a glass of wine and pulled out my notes and I told it. It’s the same story as the one in the filmed special but the nerves are present and sure maybe the fish I caught was a little smaller in this version but that’s storytelling.

I am going to release that version of the final story of the show here on Moral of the Story later this week.

And I am going to start work on my new show After Endgame next month.

According to vocabulary dot come ‘An endgame is the very last part of a strategic game, like chess or backgammon. The last few moves you make in your chess game are your endgame.’  So this show is about AFTER that.

I love working on these shows, I love trying to craft a funny, moving story together based on what has happened in my life and I have increasingly grown fond of performing in odd places with the lights on and I can see everyones faces, laughing, scowling or jaw dropped in shock. 

If support me here at Moral of the Story for $5 a month or $60 a year…You will get EXTRA essays and EXTRA stories and you will also get a free ticket to After Endgame.

You can come to any of the previews, we can schedule a private zoom show, you can fly to Edinburgh Scotland in August and I will have your name at the door of my theater. 

Every single penny you give to support my writing here will go to pay for the development of this show and taking it to Edinburgh Fringe, so you will truly be funding the creation of this new show.

Because of this I am also going to be open to hearing any thoughts, notes, insights, reactions to the early versions of this show. What impacts people, what didn’t make sense. I remember when I first performed The 30 Year Old Virgin I thought what if it sucks or worse, what if I am the only one who has ever experienced this. The opposite happened, people shared their own intimate stories with me after shows, I received emails and messages from people who related to the show and it connected me to others in a special way. In light of that, I hope this show changes and morphs with you and your thoughts and your input and that the final product is in someway not just mine but ours. 

The first show is February 16th in Manhattan and I am only releasing 12 tickets so get them here now.

After Endgame TICKETS

The final story of The 30 Year Old Virgin will be released for paid subscribers Thursday morning in audio and video.

I cater waitered an event one time and I remember an older actor telling me that he performed at the Tony awards one year then the next year he was catering the Tony Awards. He laughed it off, that’s life, it wasn’t a big deal to him. I heard it and it seemed like such dramatic Riches to Rags story at the time.

When I was in Paris last year, on a whim, I put an event into my phone calendar for October 13th 2025. I don’t remember the specifics of when I did this, I know I was just walking down the street or as they call it in France, a Rue, so there I am, walking down a Rue and I pull my phone out and scroll 2.5 years ahead to my 40th birthday and make a new event ‘Full Time Comedian Goal.’ That is plenty of time to achieve this very amorphous goal. Well, congratulations to me…I have achieved this goal 2 years early and all it took was getting laid off!

I was let go from my job on November 17th, final day December 1st. I had worked at this company for 12.5 years. I am 38, so its dawning on me in real time that I worked there for one third of my life. But now I am a ‘full time comedian’ and much earlier than the Parisian Calendar predicted! Had I thought through the naming of that event just a little longer I would’ve put, Full Time Comedian, Writer, Actor, Humorist. But you get it.

It took me a few weeks to get over the shock and change of this whole lay off situation and to reckon with the fact that this was exactly what I want and need and had desired. But as everyone knows, you want to break up with them before they break up with you. Well, I got broken up with but it truly is for the best and precisely what I want.

The first step I took on my journey as a full time comedian was to get a roommate. I had a cushy past few years at this job and that meant living alone, not anymore. The next step was to move bedrooms. I have been living in a big ol’ bedroom for years but my apartment has a small little office type room that can barely fit a bed in. BUT what if that BED folds up into the wall and so I asked for a Murphy Bed for Christmas and I must have been on the nice list this year because I am now the proud owner of a bed that folds up into the wall. Thank you Mom and Dad.

I spent a lot of time before I started writing this trying to think of the connection between being Let Go and Letting Go. And I couldn’t quite figure out the way to word it without it feeling trite and cheesy. But that is what this post is about. Being Let Go and Letting Go and then getting to work on the business at hand. My new full time job.

One thing I know I need to let go of is that sense of validation I craved by being financially stable AND pursuing a career as a comedian, writer, actor etc. It’s tough to admit to myself and to you the reader, but my hope is this relates to someone out there so I will write it, but I took a lot of pride in living alone, in New York City and being creative. I have had all the shitty actor jobs, I passed out fliers in Times Square, I cater waitered all the events, I lived with 3 roommates in a 2 bedroom and the first year I moved to New York I made $20,657 and I am still here motherfucker and I live alone now. Because I made it.

I think I wanted to work quietly the next 2.5 years and proudly stand before the world and myself a fully formed, financially stable, productive Full Time Comedian at the age of 40. And I think my younger self would’ve seen my living alone as my Tony Awards and the Murphy Bed as my triumphant return to cater waitering.

But you know what my current older self thinks? Yo…this bed is super fun. It’s like a space bed from a sci fi movie. And my roommate is cool, he told me on Sunday mornings he might wake me up from ‘Yelling at the telly because Arsenal is getting their arse kicked.’ He’s British.

I am very thankful. I am thankful to have been pushed out of a comfortable nest that I would’ve stayed in just to hold onto this pride of projecting stability to myself and others. In reality it was insecurity of getting older and not wanting to look like a loser or a failure or God forbid take some sort of step backwards. I mean, I know if I told 25 year old Kevin his bed would come out of the wall he would think it was a step backward. The reality is this is a step forward, a massive step forward. And I know for a fact 5 year old Kevin would think that is the coolest freaking bed of all time and he is right.

I have a new show I started to write and will start performing in February and I plan to take it to Edinburgh Fringe. I think I have the title, I have a few options, I might ask you to help me with the title next week actually. I am going to be writing here on Substack 2 times a week. I have a bunch of stand up clips I am going to start uploading to Youtube, Reels and Tiki Tok. And I have a video version of Moral of the Story I am going to start filming those and releasing the first one next month. So, thanks for being here, I appreciate you reading or listening to my first post since I began my new full time job.

“I love books. I have even read a few. Most of the ones that are on my shelf remain unread but I’m not throwing them away, I am just waiting for them to beckon me at the right moment.

I have had Patti Smith’s book M Train sitting on my shelf for over a decade until it grew interesting enough for me to pull it down and throw it in my bag for my trip down to Austin Texas for a friends wedding. I had no idea when I would have time to read, the friend getting married is notoriously social and he is a magnet that attracts other lovable degenerates like myself. All this to say, we would most likely be imbibing to the point that in the morning I would not be in the right headspace for Patti’s prose. I arrived at our Airbnb, threw my bag on the bed, showered, got dressed and headed to the day-before-the-wedding-party.

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We all descended on Donn’s Depot Piano Bar and Saloon. The family and friends from dozens of cities scattered across the country. The band played Willie. The bar served Lone Star and tequila. The prices were shocking to those of us accustomed to New York City prices, each drink you didn’t have was passing up a bargain. There is no point in me trying to paint the picture of my experience, think of yours, that last great wedding you went to. Great. Best friends from one era of life swapping stories with the best friends of another era of life. All gathered to drink and dance and usher the couple into their next chapter. Well usher we did. The weekend had not even begun, it was Thursday, we had the wedding Friday, Saturday was the the all day afterparty. I woke up after Donn’s Depot with a raging headache and a full heart. The only good hangovers are the ones that carry with them no shame, no regret and they are rare.

My friend, Cory, had brought me home an electrolyte beverage from the store and a bag full of famous Austin breakfast tacos. I drank and ate, thankful for the sustenance. The home had a giant Texas sized bath tub, it called to me like a book from the shelf. I put on some peaceful music, got into the bath tub and decided to hear what Patti had to had to say to me after all these years.

The books opening line ‘It’s not so easy to write about nothing.’

She makes it look easy but it’s because she is not writing about nothing. She writes about coffee, memories, adventures, premonitions, chance encounters and lost loves.

I got out of the tub after 45 pages, the entire 80 minute new Andre 3000 flute album and potentially, permanently, pruned skin.

I checked my phone, I had an hour to kill before I had to put my suit on. I took a short nap. I woke up with my usual taut finger tips. Checked my phone again and I had an email informing me that I was about to begin the next chapter of my life. I can’t go into detail, not because I don’t want to, I just don’t know all the details yet. I just know the way in which I pay for rent and books and flights to weddings and Spotify Premium and Donn’s Depot’s Discount Tequila’s was going to change drastically and not for the better.

It’s a special thing to be surrounded by many of your best friends when you get bad news, not horrible news, with horrible news you have to leave your friends and go start planning a funeral. But with bad news the moments become more valuable for the simple economic fact of supply and demand. As the supply of bad news increases, the value of everything else the gives life its sweetness and beauty increases. Then of course you start mulling over the other iron clad economic laws of scarcity, marginal costs, incentives and marginal benefits. Next thing you know the wedding is over and the reception has begun and they are blasting Britney’s Toxic on the dance floor and you’d be a fool to keep pondering the theories of Scottish Economist Adam Smith.

I am going to keep reading Patti’s book. So far it is about those tiny quiet moments, the moments that feel like they might go on forever, sipping, wandering, ruminating, not much happens but it’s beautiful, it is what critics are calling ‘The Ultimate Hungover in a Bathtub Memoir!’

Meanwhile in real life I have been experiencing the big moments, a long anticipated reunion of friends, the exchanging of life long vows, tequila shots at a honkey tonk dive bar. And the sudden news that whether you like it or not, things are about to change. Moments of nostalgia, celebration and unadulterated joy with an internal undercurrent of uncertainty, fear and anxiety? That sure sounds like the end of a chapter to me.”

He says as he turns the page excitedly.

You just…never…know.

That is what has been playing over and over in my head for the past 2 months. When it comes to the future you don’t know most things. You think you do because the sun comes up each morning, but that is the Earth and the Sun working together. They are pretty consistent, us humans on the ground, we are in a more precarious position.

It was Labor Day weekend, I was at the beach celebrating the past few months of hard work with a final dip in the ocean, the sun was out and my heart was full after making it through a particularly challenging summer of work.

The waves were particularly big due to some far off hurricane affecting our beach from afar. That just meant more fun. My body peaking higher on the water, cruising faster on the crest of wave and as the wave crashed I felt a tamer version of those stomach butterflies you get on a roller coaster.

My friend Dylan and I were out there for hours getting tossed and thrown by each consecutive wave and then we looked at each other and said ‘Last wave of the summer?’ We said that very thing, out loud, I verified this with him later. We had been body surfing long enough and it was time to get to a beach bonfire and call it a summer, until next year. Also this was a huge wave, which meant faster, farther, funner (it’s not a word but I can’t pass up that alliteration). This wave was the last wave of the summer.

The wave grew and grew as it came closer, I started to swim in the direction of the shore to catch the swell just right. Suddenly I was swept up like a father throwing his toddler up in the air, my body’s direction turned 180 degrees and I dropped. The wave grew so quickly it sucked all the water from the shore like it possessed gravitational force. I was thrown to the ground from 7 feet with no liquid below to softern my fall and directly onto my head.

SNAP.

I heard the snap, it was loud and unmistakable. SNAP. And I tumbled up further onto the shore. As I was rolling, my mind was completely calm, I was silently and slowly thinking

‘I really. really. really, really hope that my neck is not broken. Whatever that snap was…I hope it’s not that’

Then a tattooed body builder ran up to me as I lay on the beach.

‘FAWK MATE. YOU FAWKIN ATE ONE MATE.’

He was from New Zealand from the sound of it. I lay there looking up from the ground and I saw he had tattooed wings creeping out from the waste his bathing suit. Just like people report to have more awareness as a car accident is happening, things slow down. I was simultaneously praying to God my neck wasn’t broken and also wondering what the base of these these tattooed wings lead to because it really seemed if I could picture the rest of the tattoo, well, logically, his penis would have been the body of a bird.

‘Don’t get up mate. Don’t move. Ya’llright? Can you move your fingers and toes.’

I could. I wiggled them. I stood up slowly.

‘Mate, I do ocean rescue back in New Zealand…I’ve seen alotta blokes git paralyzed that way mate. Not tryin to freak ya’out.’

I was freaked out but I just said 'I think I am ok. Thanks man.’

The man promptly got all of his kids out of the water. He went and wrangled 4 boys, none looked to be over the age of 10 and told them beach day was over. They complained, they wanted to keep swimming.

‘That guy over there almost just died, get outta the WAHTAH NOWWWW.’

Him protecting his kids from the waves solidified how serious my crash landing was. Also, I wonder what his kids thought of his tattoo? Do they ask him about it? I mean, they must be curious and it would be a very serious crime for him to show a child what those wings led to.

As I walked back towards my friends I let the tattoo take over my thoughts in an effort to distract from the fear of what may have just happened to my body.

Dylan was already at our beach towels.

‘Dude that wave was nuts. So fun. You look like you got rocked? You ok?’

That was September 1st. I haven’t been able to turn my head completely since then. I can’t do yoga. I can’t run. There is constant pain in my neck and shoulders. The tightness begins when I wake up and the aching and soreness sets in about noon until the end of the day. BUT…I can walk.

The doctors say I sprained my neck, no fracture, no break. The noise I heard must have been my neck cracking like when you crack your knuckles. But I heard it, loud and clear.

I have never broken a bone or had a major surgery. I am very thankful for my health and like any healthy person it is once something is taken away that you realize how nice it was to have. I never expressed any gratitude to my body when someone would yell my name and I could just turn my neck rather than turning my entire body around like a minion or a batman meme. Both of which my friends have sent me to gently mock my infirmity.

Last week the pain got so bad I really didn’t know what I would do if it continued forever. So I did what the doctor told me to do 8 weeks earlier, start physical therapy. When the doctor diagnosed my neck as sprained, not broken, he prescribed a minor painkiller, an anti inflammatory and most importantly physical therapy. I got the pills and decided I would grit things out for a few weeks instead of signing up for the most important part of my healing journey. Also, Physical Therapy would be out of pocket due to my insurance plan. So I didn’t put it off just because I am stubborn, I am also cheap.

My plan had been to sit carefully day after day hoping I would make it back to 100 percent simply by not making it worse. That was not working. Each day my neck muscles getting tighter and the pain traveling up and down the various muscles in my back. Each day constantly replaying that wave, that moment, that drop, that crack, that New Zealanders tattoo. My mind taunting me with the various outcomes of that day ‘The last wave of the summer, you said it OUT LOUD. You should have quit one wave earlier!’

Well, you just never know when everything will change in an instant. Sure, I am thankful I am not paralyzed and I can walk, but I would love to be able to run or do yoga or and turn my head like a normal person so my friends will stop sending me this meme.

Well, I started Physical Therapy last week and it’s helped my neck, my back but it’s also helped..my pussy and even my crack. For those that don’t know why I said it. it’s a rap song and I just couldn’t resist, ok back to the essay.

The therapist massaged my neck and upper back, confirming these muscles could not have been tighter, it was as if they had sitting their hardening for 2 months. She gave me 5 exercises to do each day, they range from leaning my head to the right and left for 30 seconds at a time to leaning through a doorway. I have been doing them each day and the pain is slowly diminishing and the knots are beginning to loosen. To be on a road to recovery no matter how slow, brings much more peace of mind than waiting on the train to recovery when they MTA worker already told you that the F line isn’t running on weekends and you should take the B instead. ‘Well, thank you Mr. Train man but I will just sit here and wait for the F even if it takes all weekend, alright buddy!’

I am as in control of the future as I was minutes before that wave came, but these comically simple exercises are working wonders for my mind because they are placing it in the present, which is where the mind ought to be, because that is where your body always is.

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