How to Ensure 2023 goes according to plan!

A foolproof plant to insure yourself against misfortune, theft and failure.

Per usual Listen or Read! This one is fun to listen to though but the pictures are important too! Especially the final pic. It’s 100% true. OK. Enjoy. If anyone comments it will make me feel like I am not just writing into the void. Thank you so much!

There was an Allstate insurance commercial that I thought aired 2 years ago but I found it on YouTube and it was uploaded 11 years ago. So, as we start 2023 thats just another reminder that time passes quite quickly. I remember he was just a baby commercial at the Super Bowl just like it was yesterday and now our little Allstate Insurance commercial is all grown up.

The commercial, is about a college football kicker who plays for a generic blue team, maybe you remember it.

Open on the kicker sitting on the bench at practice. 

Cut to: Kicker in class doing a science experiment next to Cute Girl.

CUTE GIRL: Are you going to the game this weekend?

KICKER: Ya, I’m on the team

CUTE GIRL: Ha. Good one

Cut to BIG GAME: Its 21-23 with 3 seconds left in the 4th quarter.

COACH: Get in here son! You make this! Everyone is gonna know your name Stevens

Kicker: My name is Smith sir.

Enter: The Allstate Guy (The president from Fox’s hit show 24 appears on screen while KICKER sets up for the field goal)

ALLSTATE GUY: No one knows who the kicker is…

He kicks. He scores. Generic Blue Team win! 

ALLSTATE GUY: Until you need him.

Kicker is hoisted on the shoulders of the team.

ALLSTATE GUY: Kind of like car insurance. Are you in good hands?

If only the Allstate guy had been a game winning college football kicker instead of The Allstate Guy, then we would know that his name is Dennis Haysbert.

—

4 Months ago, on September 6th 2022, I walked outside to my picturesque treelined neighbourhood of Park Slope and saw that my 2021 Royal Enfield INT 650 motorcycle was not where I had parked it just 7 hours earlier.

I got the security footage from the restaurant it was parked in front of and it confirmed what I had suspected, it was stolen. The footage showed a group of 4 silhouettes in black hoodies, they disengaged the wheel lock and pushed it out into the street, onto a black van and it was whisked away in 30 seconds.

I called the police and showed them the footage and they assured me they would do all they could. But most importantly they gave me all the information on my police report I would need to file my claim with GEICO. I was upset by the events of my morning but having insurance calmed my nerves just as it’s meant to.

The customer service at insurance companies is unlike any industry, less automation, real people with compassion in their voices that is more akin to a priest comforting you after a sudden death than a faceless cog at a massive corporation.

‘Kevin, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Theft just makes you feel so violated. I am glad I can be here to make the theft of your bike sting a little less. Let’s pull up your policy.’

‘Thanks. It’s a bummer but…what are you gonna do.’

‘Well, you had a beautiful bike, BUT that’s why we are here, right?’

A long silence. The tapping of keys. A deep sigh.

‘Mr. Doyle,’ she had switched to my last name.

If there is one thing that hasn’t changed in 30 years, from when I was 7 years old being reprimanded by my parents, to 37 seeking justice for a crime, it is that a switch from the first name to the last name is not good news.

I knew it. She didn’t have to say it. I had asked about my policy when I purchased the bike. Then I checked and double checked. I wasn’t getting anything back, my bike or a check from GEICO. I knew it was over, I just didn’t know why yet.

‘It says here that your policy doesn’t cover theft.’

‘I was informed when I got the policy that I was fully covered. I made sure of that.’

‘Well, in New York full coverage does not include theft. What you needed was comprehensive coverage,’

Silence as I breathed on the other line assessing my strategy. Searching for my next move.

‘I am so sorry Mr. Doyle,’ she said to cut through the silence.

‘No you are not. And it’s not your fault. I can yell at you and scream but it’s over, the dye has been cast. I’m fucked and you’re sorry and you can use whatever personified animal to make me feel comfortable and safe whether its a lizard with a cockney accent or a duck voiced by Gilbert Gottfried or some smooth voiced African American man from television. It’s all just a ruse for you to take our money, say you’ll be there when we need you and then use some rhetorical trick to tell us to go fuck ourselves in your nice little polite voice.’

‘I know you are frustrated.’

‘I actually am not. I was frustrated this morning when my vehicle was stolen. I’m now basking in the clarity of the situation. That it is over. It’s done. I am free! Can I ask you a question?’

‘Of course, Mr. Doyle.’

‘Please call be DJ Kevy D, as your customer, that is how I prefer to be referred to?’

‘OK, sir, what is your question?’

‘Not sir. What is my name?’

‘Yes, DJ Kevy D. What is your question?’

‘So when I made sure I was fully covered and then had an agent assure me I was fully covered what did that protect me from. I mean explain to me, the difference between full and comprehensive?’

‘Well full coverage protects you from bodily injury in the event that you crash and comprehensive covers the bike from theft and other situations like force majeure.’

‘Force majeure, so we are speaking in French now? Well, let me read you something GEICO lady…FULL means NOT LACKING OR OMITTING ANYTHING. COLON. COMPLETE. Comprehensive means, including or dealing with all or NEARLY all elements or aspects of something…’

‘Yes sir.’

‘That is called the Oxford Dictionary. Where we find out the meaning of words.’

‘Yes, Mr. Doyle, I am failing to understand your point.’

‘My point Ms. GEICO is that if ANYTHING me being FULLY covered, should include MORE than comprehensive. If you believe that English language means anything to you and I think it does because your fucking mascot is a working class lizard from is FROM the country where the language was created. Oy Guvna get GEICO, trust me I’m a fucking Gecko, they sound similar and some daft cunt at advertising agency invented me so that more people would buy our shitty insurance that doesn’t adhere to the definitions of words.’

‘Sir, I know this is upsetting but-’

‘BUT BUT BUT….one more thing, then I will be going. Please tell everyone at GEICO I hope their spouses cheat on them and they get ingrown toenails and that their houses burn down and then they call you say ‘Oh your home had THIS FIRE AIN’T SHIT WE ARE GONNA SAVE YOUR HOUSE coverage but what you needed was FUCKING HUGE WE GOT THIS HOUSE COVERED BITCH COVERAGE.’

‘Ok, Mr Doyle.’

‘Alright…well, I am feeling pretty stupid for yelling at you. But, it’s kind of the only recourse I had, so…buh bye.’

‘Bye, Mr Doyle.’

And you know what? That was not that exaggerated from the actual conversation I had with a nice lady at GEICO. 

---

A few weeks after the most expensive thing I had ever purchased got stolen, I went on stage at the outdoor comedy show I host in Red Hook. It was mostly just me yelling at the audience ‘WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FULL AND COMPREHENSIVE!’ It was not the best material I have ever worked out on stage but I was passionate about this injustice. 

I got an email the next day from an audience member.  

‘Hey Kevin, I was in the audience at your show last night. I am a therapist and I wanted to recommend my therapy agency in case your were interested in working out some of the anger you had about what happened to you. They work on a sliding scale.

Can’t wait for the next show!

Rachel

P.S. A patient of mine just got a motorcycle and I got to tell him twice, underlined to get comprehensive coverage! Your experience was not in vain. Small solaces I know

—

On Dec 31st on the final evening of 2022 the Ohio State Buckeyes played the undefeated Georgia Bulldogs, the winner would go on to the college football National Championship. With .03 seconds left Ohio State’s kicker took the field for a 50 yard field goal. Last season he kicked with 95.2 percent accuracy.

As the Eastern Time Zone counted down 2022

10, 9, 8, 7, 6

Ohio States Kicker takes the field, takes a deep breath.

5, 4, 3

The snap.

2

The kick

1

At the exact second that 2022 ends the ball pulls left of the goal posts. The field goal is missed.

Happy New Year.

Don’t believe me? Here is the Times Square feed synched in exact time side by side to the OSU Georgia football game.

Screenshots taken from Timothy Burke @bubbaprog on twitter.

He should have made the field goal, not because I am an OSU fan, but because that is what was supposed to happen. That is why there was commercial carefully crafted about this very moment to make us feel, joy, hope and a sense of safety. But there is a deep chasm differentiating real life and anytime Generic Blue Team takes the field.

This year has just begun and it will be no different than any other year. There will be ups and downs. Victories and defeats, big and small. And no amount of success, willpower, money or good fortune can protect you from the defeats and the downs. Even if you do everything right, you may come up empty handed. You could wait your whole life for your big moment, while everyone is watching and then…whiff.

‘No one knows who the kicker is…until you need him’ -Allstate Insurance

Oh ya Allstate guy and what if he misses the field goal do you know his name now? The kicker for Ohio State has a name, it’s Noah Ruggles. Happy New Year Noah, I know a therapist who works on a sliding scale.

I have my first therapy appointment scheduled for January 4th at 8:45 am.

Moral of the Story:

Force Majeure is a legal term that refers to an extraordinary event or a circumstance beyond ones control. Impossible to predict, difficult to plan for and yet inevitable. There will be many this year, so plan how you will react in the aftermath, accordingly. Your experience is not in vain.