Merry Christmas to all, especially my Arch-nemesis!
A peaceful Christmas between Kevin and Jayme! It's a miracle!!!!!
Merry Christmas! Hope you enjoy it! You can LISTEN or read! BUT I think this is a fun one to listen to. There is a music cue and everything!
A few years ago we got a Christmas gift for my parents. My sisters and I took all of the hours upon hours of family videos that were on trapped on the dead platform of VHS and had them transferred to DVD. Now all of chapters of the Doyle Family’s joy and pain entered a new era, on a modern format. The joys were many and the pains many-er (This is my writing platform so if I want to make up words I sh-will, that is shall and will put together).
The pains were never visible to us kids, at the time, Jayme, Kelly and Me, Kevin but they were written on our parents faces and in the tones of their voices. Jim and Barb, doing all they could to just bring a little joy to their offspring. On Christmas, it was always a simple transaction, they would buy us hundreds of dollars of gifts and in return, my mom wanted everyone to get along and my dad just wanted to read the story of the saviour of the world being born into a manger. Sadly, Mom and Dad never received their gifts of familial harmony or the spoken word nativity scene. They were always thwarted by the long standing hot war between me and Jayme, we were not in the 80’s with Russia and the United States, we fought more like current day Russia and Ukraine. About what? I don’t fucking remember. She did something annoying and wrong and I, in my infinite wisdom called her out. Simple as that. And thanks to modern technology we have it all on tape and now on DVD! And with the amount of material and storylines, it could very well be coming to a streaming service near you (HBO Max, not Peacock, it’s that good).
There are plenty of non-holiday videos. A favourite of mine is when Jayme and I, at age 3 and 5, are on a walk by the lake close to the hospital as my sister Kelly is being born. She would be the nice, peaceful, kind child and she would take on the role as The Hague of the family. I am referring to the neutral city in the Netherlands where they hold the trials of international war criminals. Dad is filming Jayme and I at the lake with one of those video cameras you have to rest on your shoulder.
‘Kevin, Jayme…are you excited to meet your baby sister?’
As we pick up rocks and throw them at ducks.
‘Jayme…Kevin…stop throwing rocks or we go inside, got it? Be nice to the ducks.’
We both pick up a rock and stare right at the camera…
‘Don’t even think about it…don’t…we will go RIGHT inside. I mean it.’
We wait..we stare…
‘Do NOT’ Dad spits between pursed lips behind the camcorder.
We both launch our rocks.
‘OK…WE ARE -’
Camera cuts to black.
In one of my favourite holiday episodes, Dad has been trying to get through the passage about the census. You know, the whole reason Mary and Joseph go to Bethlehem. And my sister, Jayme keeps rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing.
‘Dad, we know this story.’
Then Dad changes the pages and asks Jayme if she wants to read. She takes the Bible and he has strategically switched the pages to 1 Corinthians 13…I bet some of you bible nuts know what’s coming next! She begins to read.
‘Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude…Dad, why am I reading this? Love does not insist on its own way…Um…it is not irratable or…HEY! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!.’
Dad begins to laugh and Jayme gets up and runs out of the room, leaving all her presents behind. My dad just roasted his daughter with The Word (New International Translation).
Another year my parents got her a piano and then I got a shitty Samsung camera phone, .25 megapixels, It was one of the first camera phones. When I opened my gift, the memory of the piano went out the window. Jayme wanted a shitty camera phone and she let my parents know, which I thought was quite rude. And I let her know how I felt.
‘JAYME YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL! YOU ALWAYS RUIN CHRISTMAS! YOU ARE A HOLIDAY RUINER.’
Three Christmas’s ago our family has grown, we are all in our mid 30’s and not much has changed. Besides the arrival of Kelly’s son, Elliot and Jayme’s daughter, Fiona. Christmas is about them now, as it should be. But this year, I had one more gift to give Mom and Dad. I didn’t tell Jayme and Kelly and I wonder, if maybe, it was meant to be a reminder to them that I am the best kid. Beat this Kelly and Jayme. The kids have opened their gifts, we have opened ours, it's time for Mom and Dad to get their final gift, the biggest and best gift of the day. I was giving them a trip to Paris.
They open the gift packaged in a small envelope, a handwritten letter from me with a trip to Paris to be planned. Mom and Dad are of course thankful and to be honest, a bit blown away. And I, of course, am feeling satisfied with my luxurious generosity. We are ready to have family brunch but before we make our way to the kitchen Jayme rolls her eyes and makes some comment under her breath. I had most likely anticipated this and so I was locked and ready to go.
‘What’s the problem?’ I asked.
‘It’s just, whatever, you are trying to one up everyone,’ she said.
‘Oh am I? Really, you suck Jayme.’
‘Woah? Are you serious? Fiona is here, Kevin don’t.’
‘I don’t care, you ruin every holiday, Jayme. Every year.’
‘Kevin, stop. Fiona is here.’
‘I DON’T CARE JAYME, GUESS WHAT…IM RUINING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. GUESS WHO IS RUINING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR? KEVIN! SORRY IT’S NOT YOU! I’M THE CHRISTMAS RUINER! Fuck you, you’re a bitch,’
Jayme was a duck on the lake and I had just made a direct hit.
‘Alright, I’m going downstairs to watch It’s A Wonderful Life, anyone is welcome to join me.’
I made my escape to the basement before Dad could hand me the Bible turned to 1 Corinthians 13.
I did ruin Christmas that year. For my sisters, for my parents. Not for Fiona and Elliot, they were like, ‘Wow, adults are weird,’ and played with their toys.
Covid happened and the trip to Paris never came about. Actually, my parents visited Paris last week and paid their own way. And I honestly just remembered this very morning that I had given them a gift to Paris three Christmas’s ago. It was the adult version of those coupons you give your parents when you are a broke 7 year old loser.
‘Ya mom Merry Christmas, give me this coupon and I’ll do the dishes.’
Ya, fucking right. That lawn isn’t getting mowed, that dinner isn’t getting cooked. those coupons expire on December 26th.
This Christmas morning I woke up and made breakfast alone in my apartment in France, 6 hours later in the day than Ohio, where my family was sleeping. At noon, Paris time, I chatted on the phone with my Dad for about 20 minutes. He is an early riser, the only other early riser in our family is Jayme. Dad told me Jayme had just got up and he was going to hop off the phone and make coffee for them. I asked if he would put her on the phone.
‘Hey Brother’ she said in her Buster Bluth voice, ‘How is Paris? What are you up to for Christmas? Is it lonely?’ She asked.
‘Um no more than I expected. I am going to take a long walk, a coffee shop is open too which is nice. Maybe you all can FaceTime me when you open gifts later?’ I told her.
We talked for 20 minutes about the past few years and dating in our late 30’s and what it’s like to be all grown up, dealing with the same weaknesses we have always had. Acting out in the heat of the moment because of our emotions. Staying up too late, drinking too much sometimes, endlessly scrolling the internet. We chatted about what it would look like to live the next chapter of our lives dealing with anxiety or loneliness in healthier ways. And we sipped our coffee, her in her pajamas in Ohio and me on the sidewalk at a cafe in the 3rd arrondissement.
Then the conversation ended abruptly.
‘Mom,’ I heard in the background.
‘Hey Kev, I gotta go, Fiona is up. Love you!’
7 years ago, Jayme and I got into the worst fight of our lives over an artichoke recipe. 5 years ago, another fight because she was on a diet and I ate some of her pickles without asking. After both fights we said we would never yell like that at each other again. And I’d like to think we will never get in another fight and maybe we won’t or maybe we will and it won’t be so heated. But this year was peaceful and all it took was a little patience and kindness and self control and 5000 miles.
Joyeux Noel
I really like hearing you read it. Very special!!