Waking Up, Running and Yoga
Whatever it is...Go Hard or Go F#$% Yourself!
Good Morning!!!!! Can I just say this….honestly….if you relate to this article at all and you leave a comment at the bottom about it…it would make my day. Enjoy thx.
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I have gone on 3 runs in the past 3 months. Two of them were no the Seine when I was in Paris and one was in Prospect Park in Brooklyn a few weeks ago. The past 8 years or so I have tried to run every day. I got a Garmin watch and I’d track my pace and my miles. Every day would be a challenge, faster or longer. I got advice from some very experienced runners about ‘recovery’ and I listened but deep down I never bought into the idea of your body recovering especially at the expense of another run.
In 2020 I ran the New York City Marathon with my friend Rich. It was 2020 so the New York City Marathon didn’t actually take place but as long as you ran 26.2 miles within the New York city limits during October or November and sent screenshots of your run to the New York Road Runners, ‘Congrats! you ran the legendary NEW YORK CITY MARATHON!’
Rich and I were both turning 35 that month so we decided to tack 8.8 extra miles onto the 26.2 miles and run 35 miles for our 35th birthday. We thought why not, it’s not like there is a finish line this year, may as well make it memorable. I also thought 26.2 miles. Really? Not even an even number…round up to 30. Add 5. Do it you fucking pussy.
My mind talks to myself that way sometimes, it’s not very nice I know! I have talked to myself about it but I still do it. I start doing a thing like working out and next thing I know I am calling myself names and using profane language.
That was the longest run I have ever done. For a few months I was thinking about trying a 50 mile run but I never got around to it. Then I was in Paris and I lost my Garmin running watch and I lived in an apartment that was a mile from the Seine and I thought maybe I will do some Yoga for a little bit instead. It would be a new challenge. A way to relax and to get in my body and to breath, ya…it was time to do some fucking YOGA.
‘It would be nice to do some yoga.’ NO.
‘It’s time to do yoga. EVERY DAY. AND DO IT FUCKING HARD.’
So I went to YouTube and saw Yoga with Adriene. She has 11.2 millions subscribers and I started a 30 day yoga challenge. Every day. 30 fucking days. On the first day I thought to myself…
‘Kevin, you are turning into some white wine drinking basic lady. What’s next a tank top with a Beyonce quote in shiny gold capital letters.’
But then the video would start and I would fucking GO. Breathing. Stretching. Centering. Crushing.
I have done Yoga every day for almost 90 days. The other day I did it really really really good. I did my yoga so good. That I hurt my neck. And couldn't turn it to the left for 3 days. I did my yoga SOOOOO good that I have pain in my upper back now that hurts all day. And that my friends means…that I have missed the point of Yoga. And when I hurt my knee at mile 32 of my 35 mile run I probably missed the point of running. Which is TYPICALLY not to harm your body and feel worse and less healthy.
I have been spending a lot of time lately figuring out why I do the things I do, whether it be yoga and running or reading or writing or thinking. I am always drawn to more, longer, faster, better. Sometimes when I sit down to write one of these articles ‘I think 5000 words or NOTHING.’
The other day I thought…
'I am gonna write a fucking MEMOIR. 300 pages. Next month.’
What’s it about? Don’t know. But it's going to be long. And it’s going to be good. Sometimes I put my phone on airplane mode and my first thought is just 10 minutes to chill. Then the alarm goes off. I feel calmer and my head is clearer. Then I think, keep it going…60 minutes. You can’t do 60 minutes? Fucking pussy. 10 minutes to 60. It never even crosses my mind in the moment MAYBE you wanted to try 15 minutes.
I grew up in the evangelical Christian world and I recall a lot of talk from pastors and youth pastors and wise adults about how important spending time in the morning with God is. Morning devotionals would include journaling, reading the Bible, praying. The vibe I always got from these men was that it needed to be early:
7 AM was INTERMEDIATE.
6 AM was ADVANCED.
5AM EXPERT.
And they needed to be long:
30 MINUTES for GODLESS DEGENERATES
60 MINUTES for HUMBLE SERVANTS
120 MINUTES for WARRIORS for CHRIST
I had a realisation about all of those people from my childhood who were just doing their ‘best’ and sometimes their ‘best’ happened to be screaming at teenagers to get up at 5am and read their Bible for 2 hours. I, for one, am SHOCKED that some of these teens would give into the temptation of the snooze button. I am appalled that these adolescents would find 2 hours of the Bible boring. For Christ’s sake every human being is tired at 5am and I get bored even during a really great 2 hour film. Then I had a deeper realisation as I sat down to write this piece. This intense, longer, earlier view of what mornings with God should look like didn't actually come from a pastor or a youth pastor or my parents or a church. There aren’t any religious authority figures from my childhood that I can point to that said any of this, explicitly or implicitly. It was just how my own mind started talking to me about what my mornings should look like.
What made the unhealthiness of this type of thinking clearer to me has been when it manifest itself in the physical. When I hurt my neck doing Yoga my family was in town visiting New York, so whenever any of them talked to me I had to turn my entire body like the Frankenstein monster to make eye contact with them. Then I would just have to laugh to myself and think…maybe listen to Adrien when she says breath, not to push too hard and listen to your body. Maybe when your alarm goes off and you are tired you shouldn’t look at it as an indictment of your moral character. Which I have in the past, I would press snooze a few times and by the time I got up I thought…
‘Wow. You are a real piece of shit you know? You can’t even get out of bed when you say you are going to.’
That doesn’t seem like the best energy to propel you into a joyful, productive or positive day.
The irony of all of this is that lately I have been getting up earlier because I want to and I don’t think I could’ve done this if I hadn’t changed how the voice in my head talks to me when I wake up. I did this is by making the voice in my head talk out loud. I feel embarrassed to even talk about it publicly…BUT here it goes…this is what I have been saying in the morning when my alarm goes off.
‘OK, you can go back to sleep if you want. Or maybe it would be cool to get up and start your day, what do you think Kevin?’ And then I get up. The mean voice never worked anyway. Whoever this nice guy is seems to be working. And the past few weeks I have been really beating myself up because I decided in November I would post a Substack every week from here on out, until I die…or at least for the next year. And I missed the past few weeks. And I knew I needed to get back on the horse, so the past few days I have been saying ‘ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING WRITE? OR ARE YOU GOING TO SIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING LOSER. WHATS IT GONNA BE DOYLE????????? HUH? WHAT IS IT GONNA BE!!!!!!!”
That didn’t work for the past few days but then today I said ‘Kevin, would you like to write a Substack today it’s been a few weeks?’ and then I said ‘Yes Kevin, I would.’ and then I came home and I wrote this.’
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.
Moral of the Story: TALK TO YOURSELF NICELY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! BE KIND! GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING BREAK! RELAX, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND DON’T BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO YOURSELF! GOT IT?????!!!!!!
This is pretty epic! And I'm not just leaving a comment to make your day. (I mean, the day is almost over so that would be a waste anyway.) I really dug it.
Kevin, I really relate to this, thank you for writing this piece! I love what you said about the mean guy voice not being very effective, or maybe not as effective as we’d like to think. It’s so-so at motivating us, and when we do listen we do terrible, destructive stuff to ourselves and others. But the nice guy voice, oh what an under appreciated voice *that* voice is.
For me, yoga actually is the key to amplifying the nice voice. I set an intention for my practice, focus on breathing, and if all goes well, my mind goes quiet for the rest of the practice. But all does not go well. It never does. I hear from the mean guy in my head. I hear doubt. I hear criticism. I lose focus. I think about the clock. I think about getting lunch after yoga. I think about all my other stuff. But I always return to my breathing. Hint: it helps if your teacher keeps reminding the class to breath. Anyway, all of that stuff happens in my head when I practice, but there are also long stretches of silence, of presence, of listening only to my body. And all of that helps, mentally, physically, and spiritually. But at the end of the practice, the real magic happens. My teacher invites the voice to return, and she even gives him some dialogue. “Thank yourself for showing up to this practice.” And I do. Quietly in my head, the nice guy thanks me for showing up. And that sets me right for about 24 hours, unless there’s a clusterfuck at work. Or traffic. Or the piece I’m writing just isn’t working. But you get the idea. Thank you for sharing your nice guy voice, and I hope you keep doing yoga!